What Is It Like to Go Blind?

I apologize for being away from this blog for so long. As you may already know, I was born with a vision impairment. After many years and many eye surgeries, the worst of it finally caught up with me.

At the end of June 2020, I underwent an eye operation to have a plastic cornea installed. The human eye is very delicate. It can only take just so much poking and prodding. The end result of that surgery was a detached retina.

A surgeon was eventually able to reattach my retina. I have been recovering from that process of reattachment for what amounts to 22 months.

The short version of my present situation is that I have very little vision. It's probably not much more than three to five percent of what I used to have. I don't blame anybody for what has happened. I'm not angry about this. It was always a possibility. Ask any gambler and they will tell you that, no matter who you are, you can only beat the odds for just so long.This could have happened to me ten years ago or ten years in the future from today. I accept it for what it is and I am trying to move on.

The simple truth is that it took me about a year and a half to recover my sanity. Take what you see in the movies with a grain of salt. The human mind is tremendously shocked when you actually do experience catastrophic loss of sight. As much as you might expect it, no amount of preparation can ever make you ready for the real thing. 

After some thought, I decided that it was a good idea to say something about what happened to me here in this blog. I am dictating the words you are now reading. My wife is typing this post. That's where I am in the process. Over the next few years, I hope to retrain with assistive technologies so that I can get back to full-time writing.

Nobody knows for sure if they can handle something like this until it happens to them. As sympathetic as you might be to family and friends, please understand that your kind words may not be as helpful as you would like them to be. 

If you do know somebody who has recently gone blind, please be prepared to give them some space. They're going to need a large amount of time to experience the shock and get over it. 

From my own point of view, it's been a lot like falling off a cliff without ever hitting bottom while, at the same time, going insane. Eventually, the severity of what I felt started to lessen. Eventually, my anxiety was mild enough that I could control it. 

This process is definitely not over for me. There is a form of grief involved in all of this that has to be dealt with on an individual basis. You've got to work your way through it in your own time and in your own way.

Blindness is not the end of the world, though it will force you to start a new chapter in your life that is very different from anything you have ever done before. I hope that observation is useful.

Post-Apocalyptic Alaska

Post-apocalyptic Alaska is...one of my favorite themes.  I've used it in many projects over the years.  Crisis at the Kodiak Starport was the vehicle I used to demonstrate how the 49th State could be ravaged by apocalyptic forces (i.e., war).  Bibix was my big budget Sci Fi envisioning of a living Hell after an alien invasion wrecks...everything.  I now have a short story collection in the works that will allow me to explore this concept from many different angles.  For those of you who want to experience post-apocalyptic Alaska in your way, I recommend A.C.: After Collapse.

America Returns to Space

Today, at approximately 3:22 PM Eastern Standard Time, a public-private partnership between NASA and SpaceX successfully launched "Demo 2," which sent two U.S. astronauts to the International Space Station.

In the years to come, the astronauts who flew this mission will become international celebrities.  Many of my fellow Americans will remember this event as a defining moment in their lives.  This event brings many things in my own life "full circle."  My fondest childhood memory is watching the Apollo 11 moon landing on a black-and-white television (as a little boy).  Today, I watched this launch with my wife of 25 years.  In a word, it was "good."

The Apollo missions, Skylab, the Space Shuttle and the International Space Station have all inspired me to write Science Fiction.  I am hopeful about the future and all it will mean for younger generations.  There is really not much more I can say.  Humanity has gone from volatile rockets that had to be flown by brave people, to automated systems like Crew Dragon and Falcon 9...that fly themselves.  As difficult as life me be here on Earth, I continue to believe that our future is out there among the stars.

Keep Going, Milestones Matter

In recent busy days, we have celebrated the one year anniversary of launching A.C.: After Collapse.  For more than twenty five years, this abstract thing was just an idea.  There were days when I would leaf through a pile of dirty waterlogged notebooks and ask myself, "what in the Hell am I doing?"  Even after we got most of the accumulated data transferred to electronic format, I still had doubts.  I'm pleased to tell you that some of my misgivings no longer exist.

Two or three anxious days ago, we activated a web site just for the game, which you can find here.  It's a starting point that includes more than a dozen free downloads for your role playing pleasure. 
I wanted to make some mention of it here, it's easy for this kind of thing to get lost in the shuffle.  Especially when there is still so much more to do.  From my point of view, the fact that we are here now is just a little more proof that I am not wasting my time, or yours.

Your Favorite Kind of Hell

I'm not a historian, though I am aware that post-apocalyptic themes have been popular for more time than I have been alive.  I've always been inspired by the capacity of most humans to survive the worst that life can throw at us.  Even when we are responsible for the source of own undoing, we somehow manage to muddle through.  Call it guts, bravery, courage, or just the willpower to live one more day, I can't stop thinking about that amazing capability.

I can't give you any sources but I do remember reading somewhere during the 1990's that all of the "good" post-apocalyptic themes had already been written about and beaten to death.  I didn't believe that then and I don't believe it now.  As technology changes, we will always be presented with new ways to bring about our own end.  Civilization can fall apart for many different reasons in many different ways.  Curruption is timeless, we can always rot from within and fall apart that way.

Having said all that, I want to come back around to my favorite point.  As a storyteller, I will never run out of plots and twists to describe how our future could end.  The real challenge for me is to see how men, women, and children could overcome such lurid horrors to somehow create a better future.  Life in general has taught me that there is always some lesson to be learned from everything we do, even if that lesson comes at the expense of civilization.

53rd Anniversary of Star Trek

I just wanted to take a quick moment to briefly acknowledge the occasion of this historic observance.  53 years ago today, the original Star Trek television series was broadcast to American audiences who saw it on small cathode ray picture tubes.  Many of them saw it in black-and-white, because they did not yet have a color television set.

I was too young to know this existed in 1967--when it first aired.  I saw it in re-runs later, when my parents made a habit of watching it.  There has never been a decade in my living memory when I was without this Science Fiction TV show.  No matter where I have lived, I've always been able to find it on the TV schedule at least one day a week.  I owe some of what I am today to the performances of those actors, and the imagination of the show's creator.

50th Anniversary Apollo 11 Lunar Landing

I have been waiting for my entire adult life for the moment when I would write something like this.  50 years ago today, astronauts Neil Armstrong and "Buzz" Aldrin landed the Apollo 11 mission on surface of the moon.  Astronaut Michael Collins remained aboard the command module "Columbia," in orbit around the moon--while Armstrong and Aldrin made history.  I have no memory of Apollo's launch, the landing is etched in my memory because my parents made such a very big deal about it. 

My version of that memory is affected by time, it's a little fuzzy now.  In those days, my eyesight was very bad.  I had to stand right next to our black-and-white television set to see events as they happen.  It was late at night, nearly midnight where we lived.  Both of my parents were there, my father sat on the floor near me.  In my mind's eye, I can still him in the glow of that picture tube.  None of us knew what we were looking at.  My father said something at the time, he wanted me to understand that this endeavor was not "a done deal" until they landed.

As I write this in July of 2019, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins are still with us.  Niel Armstrong passed away in 2012.  Everything I am known for today originated during that one moment in 1969, when I saw this historic event unfold.  Tales from the Kodiak Starport is my homage to these men and their lifetime of achievements.  There's a lot more I could say, things I want to say, none of it would survive the sands of time.  In my own way, I observe the moon landing every year, with family and frieds as they are available.  Sometimes, when the media is less interested, I'll go outside and look up the night sky.  I've never been able to see the stars.  Even so, it is a small comfort to me that humans went there.  We could do it again, if we wanted to.

75th Anniversary of D-Day

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings in Normandy, France.  Known as Operation Overlord, it was the largest sea-born invasion in human history (so far).  As decisive as we now know this event was, the participants had many reasons to be doubtful.  The men and women who defeated Nazi Germany have been called "the greatest generation," because their sacrifices paved the way for much of the freedom we have today.

In 2012, I had a chance to talk with military historian Pat O'Donnell about his book "Dog Company," that revealed the untold story of U.S. Army Rangers during D-Day.  That interview is included here to give you a small taste of what it was like to go ashore on that historically decisive day.

As I write, there are not many World War II veterans who are still alive today.  It's unlikely that any of them will still be here to witness the 100th observance of this important moment in human history.  I've been around long enough to see the 50th Anniversary of this conflict.  As long as I don't hit the junk food too hard, I've got a chance to be aware of it on the day we observe that 100th Anniversay.   I'm saying this just to make the point that time marches on, we are born, we live, and we do perish.  Throughout the grand arc of our lives, we have the unique responsibility of absorbing past history--and--learning from it.

Say what you want about the present day.  Love it or hate it, we are here now and that's what matters.  Many of the dark forces rising around the world bear a strong resemblance to the evils that plagued our grandparents in the 1930's.  There are troubling signs here at home that look a lot like the ghosts of hate and authoritarianism that once stalked our lands.  It's easy to say that we have lost our way, that we forgot the lessons of history.  The more I look, the more I see, the more I begin to suspect that The Greatest Generation merely held that evil at bay.  They bought us some time, approximately 7-8 decades in which to be our better selves.  Whether we want it or not, our "wheel of life" has turned full circle, the moment is fast approaching when we might have to ask the same difficult questions our ancestors grappled with.  Do we stand up to authoritarianism, or do we give in to it?

The Written Apocalypse

Recently, I had the opportunity to make the acquaintance of dystopian author Dee Cooper, host of The Written Apocalypse podcast.  She interviewed me for an hour me about the RPG I created, A.C.: After Collapse.  In some ways, it was the manifest proof that so much of what I've been doing for the last 4-5 years has not been a waste of time.  That seems like a grand statement, but it is true.  Ask anyone who has devoted themselves to something hard for that much time and they'll tell you.  It's one thing to chase your dream, something else to catch it.

We spent some time talking about the game's first novel, Haven's Legacy.  My decision to write it as a Young Adult introduction to the world of post-apocalyptic fiction was more than a business decision.  It brought me full-circle, from the first time I read John Christoher's "The White Mountains," to now.  Much like his, my own hero of this post-apocalyptic adventure is visually impaired, he wars glasses.  Call it what you want, catharsis or a statement of liberation.  I've been waiting for most of my life to do this, and I have.  What comes next?  Let's find out.

Chase Your Dream

It's an open secret just now that I'm getting ready for Arctic Comic Con.  You might say I that have made the most of being anonymous, I worked on A.C.: After Collapse for many years be-fore I was able to showcase it at this year's convention in Anchorage, Alaska.  As I write this, I've still got some of that anonymity, by this time tomorrow thousands of people will know my name and what I did.  I've already said a lot in recent blog posts about what had to happen before I could get just this far.  Here and now, in the moment, I want to take a few seconds to record my thoughts and share with you some of what I learned.

When I was a kid, many people told me in many different ways: make the future you want to live in.  What in the Hell does that really mean, anyway?  Well, Okay.  Everything we need for the convention is packed and there's no one around to interrupt me, so here it is: Understand who you are, what you are, and what you are good at.  Then, do all three of them at the same time.  No, I am n-not kidding.  Pull that off and certain things become a little more obvious.  You'll start to notice what you can do.  Some of those things will be so small that you won't give them a second thought.  Others wil lbe so freakishly huge that--trust me--you will be scared.

Anyone who says they aren't afraid of doing the bigger things in life has truly lied to themselves before they ever think about deceiving you.  So, here I am.  The house is quiet and everything is done that needs to be.  It's not a glamorous start, nor is anything guaranteed.  All I can say is that this is my best effort.  Nothing I can influence has been left alone.  Lot of things fell through before we got to this point.  Doesn't do any good to be bitter about it, we are here now.  I chased this dream far longer than I wanted to, but I did catch it.  The cost has been high and I will always regret that.  Even so, we are ready to show our stuff at this convention.  Let the chips fall where they may.

The Backstory behind A.C.: After Collapse

A.C.: After Collapse is a post-apocalyptic RPG with a backstory that is  a collapse of many causes.  As a young man in the 1980's, me and my fellow gamers were bombarded by themes of nuclear war.  Turn on a TV, pick up any newspaper, or even just try to read a book--you couldn't get away from it!  As luridly gruesome as it sounded, I couldn't escape the feeling that any catastrophe that was capable of somehow devouring human civilization would be...more.

The older I got, the more I began to see that the world was full of wars, famine, and stupid politics that could boil over in a way that would kill us all.  Yes, the whole nuclear war thing was big and it did dominate the headlines--but--it was just one of many risk factors that threatened to snuff out the world like a spent birthday candle.

Two things happened at roughly the same time. I began to indulge my interest in history, and I was introduced to role-playing games.  One thing lead to another, I went from being a not-so-humble player to one of those much-feared DM's we've all heard so much about.  It was a slow and gradual transformation, the evolution of decades.  Problem was, I never did give up my taste for history.  Every time we started a post-apocalyptic RPG of some kind, players asked questions about the world their characters lived in--and--it was my job to give them an answer.

You'd be right to think that should have been hard, but it wasn't.  Me and my trusted typewriter turned out pages of simulated news print, book extracts, and faked-up government documents that were all made to look yellow with age...after half an hour in an oven at three hundred degrees (F).  Once upon a time, I shocked everyone at the game table by describing a brief case filled with folders labelled "top secret."  They wanted to know more what was inside, so--with some bravado--I put a beat-up old brief case on the table in front of them and...

You get the idea.  All of that prepared me for the day when I started writing names, dates, and places in a notebook that would eventually contain the nuts and bolts of the backstory that was eventually used for A.C.: After Collapse.  I hope you enjoy it!

Rise of the Scavenger

Years before I was ready to begin work on A.C.: After Collapse, I was thinking about the nature of Player Characters and why they are so often...the way they are.  People I knew at the time spent many casual evenings with a pad of paper and a lot of math; trying to figure it out.  The answers to many of our most aggravating questions didn't come until we saw "classless" character generation in action.  Then, we began to understand what was so elusive.  All of that abstraction played its own part in the way I eventually approached role playing games.  What we think of as the Rogue or the Thief in Fantasy gaming evolved in to my concept of salvagers and scavengers in post-apocalyptic settings.

In my youth, the Cold War (1945-1991) was always on our minds.  More than anything else, we asked ourselves questions about survival.  Books and movies probed the question darkly, it was widely believed that surviving a nuclear war just wasn't possible.  I've never been one of those people who takes "no" for an iron-clad answer.  Life has taught me that people can survive anything except extinction--if they want to.  When it came on to the market, The Morrow Project seemed to support my thinking; that it was possible to survive "the end" no matter what form it may eventually take.  When I got, the internet and the mapping of our human genome made me revisit this grim subject.  As we approached the 21st Century, my thinking crystalized.

In those days, I was not yet a full-time author.  I'd write short stories at night and during weekends that always got thrown out every Monday.  As a civil servant who was working 40+ hours a week, that process of writing was good therapy that reduced my frustrations; it also helped me to construct the pieces woaht eventually became the backstory for A.C.: After Collapse.  That part of me that doesn't like to give up kept coming back to salvagers and scavengers.  Over the years, I've known people who are like scavengers.  You know the type, they're always trading one thing for another.  For some vague reason, they always seem to know a guy who has the thing you want--for a price.

People like that exist in every society, it made sense to me that they would thrive in a dying world where nothing was off limits...if you could find it or pay for it.  In some ways, the might be the most heroic resistors of the Collapse.  You can think of the civic-minded thief in a Fantasy game as the man or woman who becomes the new Robin Hood.  Imagine how hard it might be find prescription drugs during the collapse, then imagine what you might be willing to do just to get those drugs for people who mattered to you?  As criminals go, you might not be terribly noble--but--you'd know why you taking the risk.  That's an extreme example, though it does illustrate why I put so much effort to portraying scavengers in the post-apocalyptic fiction I write.

Post-Collapse Priorities

A.C.: After Collapse has been formally-officially launched and on the market for one whole month; the dust is beginning settle while we catch our breath.

I don't think I've worked this hard for anything in my entire life.  As you can see from what's in this blog, I have been trying to gather my thoughts and put them in to some sort of order you might want to read.  It's not quite everything I have learned, though it is a lot of it.   Anyone who has ever chased a dream can tell you from firsthand experience that pursuit is one thing; achieving the goal is something else!

 What do you do AFTER you finally found and captured the one "thing" that kept you awake at night for so many years?  In our case, we already know what has to come next.  Over the next few years, we have to finalize and publish more.  As a compulsive maker of lists, I constantly update my list to reflect what we finish and what needs to be done next in the long line products.  It's not glamorous, but it does keep me out of trouble.